"Hey Dave, you know this wouldn't of happened if we used TEST DRIVEN DEVELOPMENT!"
Early Life
CJ was born to a mother, a father, a goat named Derrick and two large balloons somewhere in the Irish sea. At the early age of 4, he caused a great amount of controversy as he orchestrated the great DDoS against Microsoft Corp for failing to release the Win32's on time, saying "Seriously, All I want is to take advantage of 32bit addressing! Why should I save my pocket money up for Windows 95? I heard it wont even support true 32Bit and is still reliant on DOS! I can understand Win 3.11 because its simple a wrapper on top of DOS, but COME ON! they've had enough time to release a polished operating system, I'm going to go complain to my buddies on USENET" A few weeks after this, Microsoft released Windows 95 and CJ shit his pants.
Not so, but still quite early life
After the Win32's fiasco, CJ was relegated to his previous job of "minor lagger" as he let slip his mad leet coding skillz in favour of going outside and playing games. Of course, no self respecting computer nerd would ever let this go on for too long so he went back inside and started writing a joke program in Visual Basic 4, this later went on to be released as "Novell Netware 5".
College Life
CJ went to college with Lynxifer, why on earth he'd want to do this is beyond anyone, but he went along and did it so there. It was during this time he managed to escape the tyranny of the great empire of Sheepland, after his parents had moved there to get some mad leet lamb skills. He studied Computing, eMedia and Super Special Awesome there, with the latter under the tutorage under Lynxifer himself. It was at college that CJ managedto level up from "minor lagger" to "Super Special Awesome" as he began working on "CJOS" - an operating system for making bread, "BeeAPI" - an API for putting bees on your screen, "ButtsDLL" - a DLL that spams "butts" into your DCOM log, and of course Windows Vista. None of Team Lynxifer have been able to forgive CJ for the last offense to date.
Post College
CJ managed to get a job programming Nuclear Warheads to fly to Russia and blow up communists, as well as other various Nuclear based lolz. Under the tutelage of Dr John Steele, CJ programs all manner of Thermonuclear devices, and is assisting Dr Steele with his usage of Thermium (cf. Japes and Shenanigans) as well as other Jape based items of pure SCIENCE!
Hobbies
CJ often hot air balloons across the atlantic with the well known Richard Branson using a high speed wireless connection to code his next big Virgin company known only as the Virgin Intergalactic American Girls Rehabilitation Alliance. This will follow after only two years of his commercial space travel plans. CJ also likes stealing the internet, and general insubordination.
Colin "Podge" Rodgers
"I'm not drunk"
Podge
Podge of true Irish descent, is Drunkland's foremost computer programmer and listed as #7 as Drunkland's most drunken persons.
Early Life
Podge was born in the summer (not that you'd know it) of 1812 to a pair of Guinness farmers named Paddy and Paddy Rodgers in the "not as drunk as them feckers down south" district of Dublin.
At the age of 4, Podge entered the local talent contest with his rendition of Journey's "Don't Stop Believin' " which won him first prize, two whores and enough Guinness to turn the canals of Venice black. Contest judge Louis Walsh said "ahh to be sure, he made the song his owwwwn to be sure". Before rambling on about creating a boy band that "oozed gay"
Teen Years
It was during his teen years that he met with Serge "SirJolt" Volte and they formed a group dedicated to the new arising phenomenon sweeping Ireland called "Computing". After becoming an official group at the "Irish College for slightly more learning than drinking", they used the funding to purchase a 233Mhz computer with 12" monitor. The computer would of been a Pentium 4 1.2Ghz machine, however Podge decided that he "deserved a drink" during the purchase order and subsequently ordered enough alcohol to murder a village of inuit, before finally mashing the "place my order" button with the back of his head.
Linux Controversy
Six months after forming the computing social club at the "Irish College for slightly more learning than drinking", Podge held a press conference that was beamed live to all 7 households in Drunkland that owned Televisions.
The conference was to announce the choice of Operating System for the new computers that they had stolen from a cargo vessel bound for France. During the preparation for the conference, Podge sat at the table and spoke into microphone he thought was inactive, saying:
"I have just signed the back of a beer mat outlawing Linux, we begin carpet bombing in 20 minutes."
For some reason, a bunch of sad Linux nerds took this as not only gospel, but also as a personal attack against themselves and flooded IRC, forming MSN Web groups (since Facebook hadn't been invented yet) dedicated to the destruction Drunkland and Podge
Attack on Drunkland
2 Weeks later, on a cold (what else?) Monday morning, three members of the "Linux against Drunkland" arrived on the shores of Dublin with a raft constructed with thousands of Anime magazines with intricate storylines that the baka-gaijin's of Ireland could never understand. They had armed themselves with leaflets on how Linux was "clearly the superior operating system" as well as "Bleach roolz", with the third carrying a large sign that said "Podge lied, Linux cried".
The intention was to march on the Irish government and demand a formal apology as well as the body of Podge to be crucified on a cross made of a million Ubuntu CD's, however the group underestimated Drunkland's hatred of Weeaboos, as well as the anger of a million hungover Irishmen being woken up by the nerds.
It was not, however the angry mob that dealt with the group but SirJolt. Using his lack of hangover, as well as his long flowing hair, he killed the Weeaboos without getting any cheetos dust or dried sweat onto himself, casting the dead bodies back onto the raft before setting fire to it in traditional Irish style.
It was at this time that Podge broke into the Guinness factory (Seriously, why do they even bother locking up?) and handing out free alcohol for all, proclaiming the day "National 'Feck Linux' Day"
The Future
Whilst Podge is more often than not; "drunk". He sometimes professes to have "deep aspirations', when not telling random strangers that he "loves them long time". When asked whilst sober, he claims that he would like to purchase the sovereign state of Sealand and use it to create a base in which Team Lynxifer can grow into the "superpower that they should be."
Podge has also expressed an interest in building exo-suits for human beings, allowing them to use great strength, run faster and harder and even fly.
We however, think that Podge had simply watched Iron Man one too many times.
David "Lynxifer" Greenwood
"Dude, I have a massive erection." Certified Rabbi and Monoglian shoe salesperson, formally a member of the Jujitsu Jews It is also well known that Lynx has an "unsatisfactory piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing" (see lagger)
Early Life
Lynxifer began as a giant miniature hamster from space. Born sometime in the early whenever's, he has shot to fame with his revolutionary process to install Linux, thus solving all of the worlds problems. He was born to three men, a woman and a leather glove. Many say that the leather glove has been the driving force around his fame. Often when he is performing in concert, you can clearly see the leather glove on one of the amp's, or other such equipment. One concert in Rome, the glove joined in on a duet version of "Sciencewatch", as well as performing a legendary solo version of "I've got the world in my hand". Before Team Lynxifer, Lynxifer was the manager of cheese. He was originally offered the supervisory role of "Gay Porn Inc", but citing it not being his "cup of tea", he declined the post in favour of a nice batch of cheddar cheese.
Now
Currently, Lynxifer is your god. Not only that, but he is training to become a teacher of Epic and Win. He would also like to state that you really do need an education. Education is not "thought control". Dark Sarcasm in the classroom can actually be quite amusing when used correctly. Oh yes, and the Teacher should give each child an equal amount of time (and not leave them totally alone) (But seriously how can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?)
Faggotry
Lynxifer is a firm believer in faggotry. Often citing events as part of the "Homosexual Agenda", it is clear that he closet loves the cock. He is often propositioning Glempius to have "the secks" with him, however the request is always declined with "cup of tea" reasons cited.
Relationship With Other Team Members
Not only is Lynxifer your god, but he is their god too (and isn't our god an awesome god?). He built Team Lynxifer on Rock and Roll, as well as various other musical genres but still, as well as building it on Lies, boobs and other such awesome items. The other members often look up to him, calling him "the awesome", however this is often coupled with "Faggot", "retard", "Knob Jockey" or "Jew" The leather glove is still the man now, dog
"Give a man a fire and he'll be warm for the night, set him on fire however and he'll be warm for the rest of his life" One of the original and founding members of Team Lynxifer (formerly the Cool Crew, formerly Lynx's Love Boat, formerly Intergalactic Gigolo Assassins, formerly Interweb Ninjas, formerly an artist known as Prince, formerly Faggots Inc.) Glempius (affectionately known by other members of the team as "Glempy" or "faggot") is a veritable "Master of Science". While if you cut some people they bleed, Glempy doesn't, he merely oozes pure condensed SCIENCE! This makes him both a genius, living God and incredibly scatter brained. (Some unenlightened people mistakenly think Glempy is a 'tard because of this, but those people are in fact 'tards themselves)
He is frequently referred to by Lynxifer as "Dr. Steele".
Early Life
Although it is known Glempy was raised from birth by ravenous Science Wolves it is unknown how his birth actually came about. Many contemporary academics have postulate ideas ranging from test tube based conception, to the controversial theory that Glempy was begotten from a collision of cosmic SCIENCE! forces and is in fact a messiah of modern society. Glempy remains tight lipped on what he knows of his true origins. Other rumours of his youth include that he was born with an adult sized head, complete with spectacles and hair and the more likely story that he was born able to walk and talk, as well as perform acts of unparalleled SCIENCE!
Now
Glempy has recently graduated form his "official" SCIENCE! qualifications at the University of Nottinghams and is now legally a MASTER OF SCIENCE! During his formative years Glempy had been a bouncy, happy sort of person. However he has become a grumpy, cynical bastard as he has grown older. He has a deep rooted hatred of modern society, politics and most of popular culture. Academics have however agreed that deep down he is clearly all warm and cuddly and just needs some tender, loving care (applications should be sent in a stamped address envelope.) Glempy in his spare time performs acts of astounding SCIENCE! and enjoys reading, writing and D&D (cf. Devil worship). He also serves as official SCIENCE! consultant and information source for Team Lynxifer.
Temporally Displaced Events
Time Lord Glempy
Using a time machine made from a porta-loo and some sticky back plastic Glempy has travelled throughout time (but not space, space is far too cold for his liking, but then again who really likes 3 degrees Kelvin?) Major recorded journeys include a trip to California circa 1969, the infamous journey that lead to his first encounter with Master Thief and the vast majority of the LAPD. And of course possibly his greatest mistake in his time travelling journeys; trying to steal Alfred Nobel's dynamite for personal use (cf. japes and shenanigans). The resulting brawl lead to Nobel having five ribs and his arm broken, sadly this upset Nobel quite a bit and as a result Glempy has been banned from ever receiving a Nobel prize.
Power Level
IT'S OVER 9000! (9000.465465465465 as of November 2007) What this actually means however is anyone's guess
Relationship With Other Team Members
Thinks Lynxifer is a fag.
Is Master Thief's father.
Serge "Robocop" Volt
"No way, it's totally pronounced 'Euro', not 'Euros'" SirJolt, of Darwinian descent, is Ireland's foremost Journalist, and second in command of the Team Lynxifer offices in Dublin, Ireland.
Early Life
SirJolt was born in the summer of 1979 to an Armenian noodle miner and a Slovenian oil baron in Chesapeake Bay, Colombia, USA. At the age of 2, his parents migrated to the outskirts of Dublin, Drunkland where they all patriated themselves and adopted the traditional Irish accent, with his own baby gurgles now including "ahh, to be sure" on occasion.
At the age of 6, SirJolt entered his first "fighting and reporting" contest of Limerick, Drunkland, a festival that allowed up to 20 children the chance to beat each other mercilessly with sticks, before being placed in front of cameras made out of ice cream tubs and present a report on the days events. During the event, he impressed all 70 judges by not crying after the first blow, and subsequently not crying for his "mammy" after being told to report the news. This action allowed him to win the contest, the prize fund of 20 barrels of Guinness as well as being entered into the hall of fame for "not being a whiney bitch".
Hospitalization
However, after returning to the twenty bedroom household, the young SirJolt decided to instantly drink all of the Guinness in one sitting, an act that nearly cost him his life and that the life of his imaginary friend; Paddy.
Despite having assimilated into the Irish culture, his parents, not being of Irish descent, had not gifted him with an Irish grade liver, and subsequently did not have the ability to process the amount of toxins in his blood stream, despite the fact that a later examination of the failed Liver shoed it to be slightly green in colour, proving that the liver had attempted to patriate itself before failing.
Sadly for SirJolt an Irish Liver was not on hand, a Liver from an airhead blonde that previous resided in Florida, California, USA was the only viable option. This meant that he was totally unable to process alcohol and as such took and to date, upheld a vow of sobriety.
Teen Years
It was during his teen years that he met with Colin "Podge" Rodgers and they formed a group dedicated to the new arising phenomenon sweeping Ireland called "Computing". After becoming an official group at the "Irish College for slightly more learning than drinking", they used the funding to purchase a 233Mhz computer with 12" monitor. The computer would of been a Pentium 4 1.2Ghz machine, however Podge decided that he "deserved a drink" during the purchase order and subsequently ordered enough alcohol to murder a village of inuit, before finally mashing the "place my order" button with the back of his head.
After providing basic computer services to the college for six months, the Irish government decided that Computers were "Cool" and purchased 50 Mac's running Ubuntu Linux. To this date, SirJolt and Podge have never stopped calling them "Silly Arses"
Team Lynxifer: Ireland
On a summers morning of 2004, Podge Decided that his hangover was actually acceptable enough that he wouldn't drink until the evening, so he decided to log onto the Internet, the Internet of course only just coming to Drunkland the previous month. It was there that instead of loading his favourite cartoons webpage that he had accidentally loaded the corporate web page for Team Lynxifer.
Impressed that a Celtic based group had actually survived outside their compounds, he showed the link to SirJolt and they both agreed that they should attempt to contact the group to see if they were "Cool Dudes". After nervously sending them an email containing a picture of Guinness (the reasoning being that Podge considered that the drink had not yet managed to gain notoriety outside of Drunkland) as well as the hand of friendship, they received a reply from Dr Steele and finally from the glorious leader, Lynxifer.
Several months passed by before the option of setting up a new office was actually suggested to both SirJolt and Podge. Although Podge claimed he loved Lynxifer "veeh muuch, too bee shure", SirJolt gracefully accepted the offer and ironically enough contracted a group of Welsh navi's to construct the palace.
Daily Operation
As of 2010, the office houses approximately 200 staff, with 100 forming the technical team, 50 under the umbrella of public relations and the other 50 "drunk as fuck". The building itself not only serves to fly the banner of Team Lynxifer, be used as a base to throw rancid meat at Northern Ireland but also houses the primary network router for the Western trunk of the Team Lynxifer global network.
The palace itself also features a hanger bay that contains the latest aircraft, land vehicles and segways from the Team Lynxifer labs, with the Hanger itself having a breathaliser on every door to ensure that no one person causes an explosion due to flatulence.
The Future
SirJolt has expressed an Interest in space travel, and wishes to establish the first colony on the Moon, closely followed by the first Guinness factory on the moon, next to the first colony on the moon. To this end, he has start up the Team Lynxifer Irish Transport Section, or "TITS" in order to achieve this goal.
Whilst progress is slow, SirJolt hopes to have a working prototype by the time Doctor Who next comes on.
Sgt David "Master Thief" Wilson
"I'm getting a wired network in this weekend guys, I swear"
Early Life
Presented for your delectation is the tale of one Master Thief's early years. These years are shrouded with mystery, for undoubtedly the records that chronicle such auspicious events were stolen long ago by the party in question. He's mystique is perhaps one of his most delightfully larcenistic qualities. After all every thief of note throughout history has possessed such a persona. Master Thief of course, most likely stole his. What we do know however, is that he was born in Scotland; land of Haggis, men in skirts, rampant buggery and, of course thieves. Many believe that our friend Mr. Thief is in fact not human, but a devil of sorts; summoned from the deepest depths of hell the reign amongst mortals as a bane of legitimately acquired goods. Of course, we may never truly know his origins.
Now
He has long since given up the early pursuits of stealing the many precious items and rarities of the world. No long will he attempt such audacious feats as stealing fire from the gods, nor will he ever again steal all the tea in china. He has decided the follow the way of precision and relish in the simple elegance of simple theft. For although the slit of a purse here, or the palming of a coin there may not be of the scope he began with, there is a simple and perfect joy in what he does.
Epic Thievery
Master Thief has long been known as the "High Chief of Thiefland" a title sought after by many-a thief trying to make steal a name for themselves, however Master Thief manages to defend his title at every twist and turn. He is such an excellent thief, that during his birth, he managed to steal a pint of his own mothers blood, three surgical gowns, four trays of medical instruments, the doctors wallet and get on a date with the rather hawt looking midwife. It was this initial outburst of thieving that earned him a place on the council of thieves, based in the hebredies. Sadly, all the signs pointing out the route to the epic castle have been stolen for some unknown reason (damn thieves)
